Gone Magazine

Below I give my predictions for the 81st Annual Academy Awards with my own thoughts on the whys and how’s of it all. Enjoy.

BEST ACTOR:

MICKEY ROURKE for THE WRESTLER

WHY:

Now I have yet to see The Wrestler and normally this would make me hesitate to say anything about it, but then again I’ve only seen four of the nominated films and, as is the usual case with frivolous ceremony, I don’t really think anyone is going to give Mickey anything for his acting. You see, the Academy loves to recognize come backs, no matter what form they take and Rourke’s is a pretty good one. So there you go.

UPDATE: I finally saw the Wrestler and was underwhelmed. This movie desperately wants to be Rocky (Stallone, not the kid from Mask) for some reason. It keeps building and building  up to that line in the trailer, you know, the “I’m just a broken piece of meat” line that everybody loves to quote. And then the movie just kinda ends. I still think Rourke deserved the Oscar.

SUPPORTING ACTOR:

ROBERT DOWNEY, JR. for TROPIC THUNDER

WHY??:

Just because Heath Ledger might have given the best performance on the list, and he’s dead, dosen’t mean the academy is going to reverse it’s ideology regarding comic book films (and can we please find something else to call them?). Sure, Mr. Jr. will say something about how Heath really deserves the Oscar and the Academy, in order to keep the ratings from crashing like a zeppelin, will give Heath a tribute early on and everyone will forget about it in the morning. No petitions, no rioting in the street.

UPDATE: Open mouth, insert foot!

BEST ACTRESS:

KATE WINSLET for THE READER

WHY:

I’m not sure. All I really know is that Angelina Jolie won’t take it because everyone seems to agree that she was the worst thing about THE CHANGELING and Meryl Streep will recive a lifetime achievement something or other in the next few years when the blood of virgins starts drying out. And for Anne Hathaway, just being nominated is too much.

UPDATE: I got this one, right? I don’t remember or care. Did Amy Adams win?

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:

MARISA TOMEI?

WHY:

Does anyone even care?

UPDATE: Does anyone even care?

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE:

WALL-E

WHY:

Because Pixar can do no wrong. There, I said it.

BEST PICTURE:

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTSUCKER

WHY?????????:

First movie I ever walked out on. There’s really no way of explaining anyone’s thinking in regards to this shit pile. Despite having written Munich, a very beautiful and unexpected film, this asshole Eric Roth also wrote the screenplay for Forest Gump, another bile inducing wretch fest that wasn’t very good to start with and somehow managed to get worse with age, like prison wine stashed behind the radiator. On the other hand I’m inclined to give David Fincher a pass on this one but I’m still keeping my distance. Just because you made Zodiac, Mr. Fincher, it doesn’t give you the right to shit on my eyes. You may think I’m being a little harsh and that if I walked out I can’t give an honest review. Well, you’re wrong. I sat in a theater for a fucking hour and nothing happened except the dialogue got worse as the seconds ticked by and the amazing man with the backwards life just stood around like a ghost as Kate Blanchet and dozens of other actors affected that bizarre fairy tale New Orleans accent that’s comparable to all those war movies in the sixties that used British actors to play the Nazis because we weren’t cool with them yet and apparently still aren’t, thank you Tom Cruise). And if you call that a love letter to New Orleans than I demand your head on a pike and that Eric Roth and David Fincher try harder next time. No scratch that, those two aren’t allowed near each other until Eric Roth writes me a formal apology though I’m sort of afraid to read anything he puts a pen to. But, back on topic, this movie will take best picture, best director, best screenplay and probably sweep all of the technical awards it’s up for. And to all of you retards who pissed off that Dark Knight wasn’t nominated, please stop. It’s a very good movie, a movie that I really love, probably the best Batman film to date, and it would certainly go on my best of the year list but it’s no China Town and it’s not and never would be a best picture contender. You guys always seem to forget that a film can be your favorite and also manage to not be recognized by a bunch of old Hollywood fogeys drinking mint juleps trying to push a fucking Transformers sequel down your throat. So settle down. I’ll see you at the Oscars.

UPDATE: Shit, I was mad, huh?

R. K. Haney